


If I'm With You, I Have No Reason To Feel Pain

by ImSoVain



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Andrew Garfield is my Peter Parker/Spider Man, Cutting, Death, Depression, First Kiss, I'm Sorry, Love Confessions, M/M, Peter Needs a Hug, Self-Harm, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 07:34:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14972219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImSoVain/pseuds/ImSoVain
Summary: "Mad? Baby Boy why would I ever have a reason to be mad at you?"Peter swallowed. "I- haven't been eating and I've been barely sleeping...""I know." Wade said.Peter shifted his position next to Wade before he continued, "But that's not everything..."The one where Peter is having a difficult time dealing with the death of his Aunt May.





	If I'm With You, I Have No Reason To Feel Pain

**Author's Note:**

> ***TRIGGER WARNING***  
> Please read the tags as this fic deals with depression, self harm, and mentions of suicide.

Two weeks.

It had been two weeks since the passing of Peter's dear Aunt May, and it had honestly been the hardest two weeks of the young hero's life. 

Aunt May had been the only family that Peter had left and she meant everything to him. Her death was sudden and unexpected and Peter was told by the medical professionals that it was due to natural causes. She was old, but Peter just never thought it would be now, not this soon. He also didn't think it was fair. It wasn't fair for him to be left alone now, with no one to check up on and share home cooked meals with anymore. 

Peter always looked forward to seeing his Aunt, and he would always remember the big smile she would give him when they saw each other. And he always enjoyed their visits together. But mostly, he couldn't have been more thankful to have her and his Uncle Ben to raise him and look after him. Peter knew he tried his best after he moved out, between balancing the hero thing and college to see his Aunt. And he always found time. He was just going to miss her like crazy now, and he knew there would be that empty void in his heart forever now. Nothing would be able to fill that. 

During the past two weeks, Peter had struggled greatly with his emotions. He'd go out on nightly patrols because he couldn't sleep and eating had become a thing of the past, food being forgotten too many times to even count. He hadn't talked to many people except Harry and Gwen. They were there at the funeral for moral support but now their calls and visits were becoming less and less due to every day life. 

The only other person who he saw on a consistent basis was Deadpool because of their nightly patrols together. Deadpool and he were close, and the masked mercenary knew something was up the night Peter showed up on the day his Aunt had passed. Peter had mentioned it but that was all it was, just a mention. Deadpool knew however what she meant to him. Peter talked about her more than a few times for her to just be a casual family member. 

 

***

 

"People say that whole DNA in the mosquito in the amber theory is fake and that it could never happen, but I seriously disagree with that. I mean, who says you couldn't replicate a dinosaur like that? I think it's entirely possible! What do you think Spidey? You think Jurassic Park could really happen? Actually, I probably shouldn't say that. We'll wake up tomorrow and there will be dinosaurs roaming the city or something, and thanks to our luck they'll probably be radioactive." Deadpool rambled as he ate, taco cheese falling from his mouth as he went on to talk about the T-Rex next.

Peter just sat there on the edge of the roof, one leg up while the other dangled off the side, his chin resting on his knee. He was used to Deadpool's rambling and honestly had stopped listening about fifteen minutes ago. His voice was nice background to the ever present darkness in his mind however. 

"Spidey?" Deadpool questioned as he glanced over. He crumpled up his taco wrapper and tossed it behind him as he waved his hand in front of Peter's face. "You-who, earth to Spidey!"

Peter blinked himself out of his daze and looked over at Deadpool. 

"You ok, Petey?" 

Peter swallowed thickly trying to pass the lump in his throat before he spoke. "Yeah, I'm fine." He said quietly.

Deadpool eyed him warily for a few seconds before he spoke, "Are you sure? Because I have been talking about the dinosaur DNA thing again for the past fifteen minutes and you haven't even protested yet."

Peter lifted the bottom of his mask up to breathe easier and said, "That's not possible Wade, we've been through this."

Wade smiled, "There's the Petey I know and love!" He reached in the bag next to him and pulled out a taco, offering it to Peter. "Taco for my Baby Boy?"

Peter glanced at the food in his partner's hand and pulled his mask back down, his stomach doing flips as he felt nauseous. He shook his head and looked away, back out over the city. 

Wade frowned and inched closer to his Spider babe, poking him the the shoulder with the tasty treat. "Come on Spidey, they're extra cheesy-"

"No!" Peter snapped causing Wade to recoil, setting the taco down on the opposite side of him on the ledge. 

Wade was uncharacteristically silent for several seconds before he spoke, "Peter, you need to eat something." He said, seriousness lacing his voice. 

Peter frowned underneath his mask, "I'm fine Wade, I'm just not hungry." 

Wade just stared at Peter for at least a full minute before he pulled down his mask. "Peter, it's been seventeen days since the last time you ate something with me up here on this roof. Yes, I've been counting. And don't tell me you've been getting food elsewhere because you're damn right I've noticed you look skinnier. Skinnier than you usually are and honestly, who thought that was possible. I mean, you're not fat by any means but baby, you're starving yourself and I'm worried-"

"I'm fine Wade! You don't need to be worried, I'm fine." Peter snapped again glancing in the direction of where Wade was seated next to him. 

Wade was silent before he sighed heavily, "Pete, I know what it is. You can talk to me-"

Peter's head snapped to the right, the moonlight reflecting off the lenses of his mask, "I don't need to talk! I said I'm fine, I don't know who you keep pushing me. Just stop alright?"

Wade's eyes were wide behind his mask as he sat there. He slowly turned his head away from Peter to look back out over the city without saying a word. 

Wade was worried. More worried than he'd ever been about Peter before. He knew he was struggling with the death of his Aunt and he didn't want to push but he knew Peter was not taking care of himself. He had continued to bring food every night and tried to keep everything normal, like how they had been doing it for Peter's sake. He had tried to get Peter to open up and talk to him but Peter was like a closed book. 

"I gotta go." Peter said suddenly and sprung to his feet. 

Wade's head jerked over and he jumped to his feet equally as fast. "What?" He asked surprised.

"I- I got class in the morning." Peter said, ready to shoot out a web.

Wade frowned a very confused frown underneath his mask and said, "Baby Boy, your classes ended almost a month ago. Plus, tomorrow is Saturday."

Peter mentally kicked himself for coming up with such a stupid lie and not thinking it through first. He shifted awkwardly on his feet, "I just... Gotta go. I'll see you later Wade." And with that, he shot out a web and swung his way off the rooftop and out into the city.

Wade just stood there and watched him go, disappearing between the tall buildings and off into the darkness of the city below. 

 

***

 

Peter landed on the fire escape and crawled in through his window into his apartment. He made sure to close and lock the window behind him and pull down the blinds before ripping off his mask and collapsing into a heap on the floor next to his bed. 

He hated this. Hated feeling like this, but mostly, he hated shutting himself off to Wade like this. He wanted so badly to talk to someone and he knew Wade was more than willing to listen but, it was honestly just too painful. Too painful to put into words what he was feeling. 

He could feel the tears burning hot as they blurred his vision, streaming down his cheeks as he thought about his Aunt. God he missed her. 

Peter clawed at his suit, suddenly feeling too hot and like the pain in his chest was too tight. He undressed, throwing his suit across the room and ran into the bathroom, throwing the door closed behind him and turned on the shower. He listened to the sound of the water thudding down against the floor of the tub as he collapsed onto the floor once again, his arms resting on the side of the tub as he laid his head down on them. 

Tears flowed down his cheeks he as listened to the running water, the steam starting to bellow up and fill the bathroom making for an even warmer environment around him. 

He had been sobbing steadily now for several minutes straight before he reached up and felt around on the counter top searching for the razor blade that was up there. He found it and dragged it across the counter to himself, effectively slicing the tips of his fingers in the process. He didn't even flinch at the pain as he crawled into the tub pulling the curtain closed behind him. 

He sat there in a heap as the warm water pooled around him as it hit his skin and rolled off. He knew this wasn't the best idea and wasn't the way to deal with his pain but he didn't really care. Plus his healing factor would take care of everything and the marks would be gone in a few hours anyways. 

Peter went to town, digging the corner of the razor blade deeply into the skin on his inner wrist and pulling it across in one quick fluid motion. He didn't even look down but instead did it a few more times just for safe measure. The tightness in his chest instantly felt loser and he tossed the blade down onto the bottom of the tub and looked down at his wrist. 

Blood was flowing steadily out of the cuts he had just made, turning the water red around him. He took several deep breaths and rested his injured wrist on his leg and leaned his head against the wall of the shower. For some reason this seemed to be his only coping mechanism to deal with his pain. It worked very well at first in the beginning, but even now after seventeen days (because Wade was counting apparently) it just felt like it was getting harder and harder. 

Peter thought back to what Wade had told him, that if he wanted to talk, he could. Peter wondered why he couldn't just open up to the mercenary like he had done with everything else. Why was it so hard to talk about this?

Frustration was starting to build in Peter's head as his anger was growing stronger by the second. He slammed his fist into the smaller tub wall causing a small crack to form before reaching for the razor blade once more and slicing away at his already healing wrist again. He didn't heal quite as fast as Deadpool did, and the red lines would be there for several hours after this incident was done and over with but he didn't care. He wanted to bleed and feel the pain, feel like because he was bleeding that he was letting some of that pain out of his body to be washed away, hoping that it wouldn't come back. 

He watched as the water around him turned red again, swirling as he sat there cutting himself and watching the blood flow out of him. He knew this wasn't the answer, that he shouldn't be doing something like this. But after doing this for about two weeks now, he wasn't sure how else to cope with what he was feeling now. 

He knew that if Wade knew about this that he would be in some serious shit. He tried to justify it though, not that this was worth justifying but he knew Wade had committed suicide in the past, and well, he himself certainly wasn't doing that. Because unlike Deadpool, Spider-Man didn't have an amazing, super excellent healing/regeneration factor like Deadpool did. If Wade died, he could come back. If Spider-Man died, that was it. 

Peter suddenly felt guilty for trying to justify that what he was doing was appropriate. It wasn't. He shook his head, flipping the water off the ends of his hair in shame. He knew he had to stop but the temptation of wanting to do it again was still there. He looked down at the blade in his hand again. 

"Fuck it." He muttered to himself and dug the blade back into his skin.

 

***

 

Heavy, loud thuds awoke Wade from his current dream about riding on his favorite unicorn Sparkles while stuffing chimichangas into his mouth. He'd been having this dream at least twice a week for the past year now and couldn't figure out why. All he knew was that he was rather annoyed having been woken up at... He glanced at the clock and groaned. Three thirty in the morning. 

He laid in bed hoping that whoever it was had the wrong apartment and would eventually just go away but that didn't happen. The pounding on the front door was still happening as he lay there thinking of Sparkles. 

"Ugh, fine!" He growled, crawling out of bed and pulling on just a pair of pajama pants. Hopefully the sight of his skin would at least scare away the irritating asshole at the door and convince them to never come back to this apartment again. He did however grab a Desert Eagle just in case. 

The pounding persisted until he slid the chain off of the first lock and twisted the deadbolt on the second, flinging open the door to reveal a tall, skinny person in jeans and a hoodie with the hood pulled up over their head. The hood cast shadows over the other's face but Wade cold see dark hair sticking out as he eyed the figure who had a backpack slung over his right shoulder. 

Wade immediately recognized the figure as Peter and his left hand which was behind the door immediately deposited the gun down on the tv stand next to him. 

"Petey?" 

Peter's weary red rimmed eyes found Wade's and he whispered, "Wade..."

Wade opened the door further and ushered Peter inside, closing and locking it behind him. "Peter, are you ok? It's three thirty in the morning-"

Peter sniffed, "Wade I- I need a place to stay..."

Wade hoisted the backpack from Peter's shoulder and pulled him into a hug, the hood falling down in the process. Wade buried his nose in Peter's fluffy hair as he held him. 

Peter melted into the stronger man's embrace and allowed himself to be held. He rested his head on Wade's bare chest enjoying the feeling of his textured skin against his cheek. He took a deep breath in letting the scent of Wade calm him, "Wade..." He said again in a soft, broken whine.

Wade carded his fingers through Peter's hair then scooped him up and set him down on the couch. He went into the kitchen and fetched Peter a bottle of water. Returning to him he knelt down in front of him setting the bottle next to Peter and asked, "What's wrong, sweetie?"

Peter's eyes immediately flooded with tears at the question and he held his head in his hands as Wade took the seat next to him and pulled him into his embrace. He sobbed for several long minutes letting Wade just hold him before he finally calmed down enough to speak. 

"I can't do this anymore Wade." Peter sobbed into Wade's chest.

"Talk to me baby, tell me what's going on with you."

Peter looked up at Wade. "Aunt May. I miss her so much Wade, she was the only family I had left and now I have no one. I'm alone in this world now and I'm so scared. I don't know what to do or who to turn to."

Wade listened to Peter and let him finish before he said, "You're not alone baby, you got me. Not that I'm really much to brag about and I know I'm not family and I know you probably don't want to been seen in public with me but-"

"No! Oh, no I- I didn't mean it like that Wade. It's just... Aunt May and I had been through a lot together and I loved her with all my heart and I still love her and-" Peter's voice wavered, "I can't believe she's gone-"

"Shhh Baby Boy, I've got you." Wade cooed. 

"I just don't know how to deal with the pain Wade."

Wade eyed Peter worriedly. "How have you been dealing with it?" He asked.

Peter froze. He hadn't been expecting Wade to ask that question and now he was afraid because he didn't want Wade to know what he was doing. He looked up at Wade, "Please don't be mad at me..."

Wade's expression fell. "Mad? Baby Boy why would I ever have a reason to be mad at you?"

Peter swallowed. "I- haven't been eating and I've been barely sleeping..."

"I know." Wade said. 

Peter shifted his position next to Wade before he continued, "But that's not everything..."

Wade was growing more worried the longer Peter held out on him. His eyes shifted down to Peter's forearm as he watched him pull his sleeve up to reveal a series of dark red lines. Wade was shocked, he never expected this from Peter. He stared at those red lines for quite some time trying to find something to say. 

"I'm sorry." Peter whispered, breaking the silence. 

Wade's eyes moved up to meet Peter's. He was still uncharacteristically silent and Peter was trying to gauge his feelings when he finally spoke. 

"You know, one wrong slip and you would die. You know that, right?"

Peter could hear the tone in Wade's voice as his eyes fell. He felt so ashamed about this but he nodded his head in response anyway. 

"Peter, look at me." Wade commanded.

Peter lifted his head and fixed his eyes on Wade, a tear escaping and running down his cheek.

Wade gingerly held Peter's wrist in his hands and confessed, "Baby Boy, I once lost someone very dear to me. It was a long time ago but I loved her very, very much. I know the pain you feel because I felt it every day after I lost her. It never goes away, but it does get easier. And not that it was right, but I did the same thing as you except on a larger scale because my healing factor is way more kick ass than yours. Sorry baby, but it's the truth. Now I know I'm probably the last guy who should be giving advice about this kind of stuff but sweetheart, don't do this." He gestured down to Peter's wrist. "Because unlike me, you can't come back from the dead. And honestly, I love you way too much to see you die, let alone hurt yourself like this. Stop doing this. Please."

Peter took a second to process and then he asked, "What was her name?"

Wade's memory flashed back to his once lover. He thought about her beautiful smile, with her dark eyes and long hair to match, and her unique personality. "Vanessa. Her name was Vanessa." He said quietly. 

"How did she die?" Peter questioned. 

Wade gave Peter a pained look, "She was murdered, in our apartment one night. I tried to save her but- I just wasn't fast enough."

Peter watched Wade as he stared off into the corner of the room, still holding his arm gently in his hands. He looked down at the red lines that were fading, but still visible against his pale skin. He felt foolish for doing this.

"Did you mean what you said? That you love me?" Peter questioned, bringing Wade's eyes back to his. 

Wade smiled shyly, "Of course I do, I thought it was obvious?"

Peter chuckled, "It- It is..." He swallowed again looking down at his arm and then back up at Wade. He scooted closer, slowly leaning into Wade's personal space and kissed him softly on the lips. 

Wade was stunned but welcomed the kiss, reveling in how soft Peter's lips felt against his not so smooth ones. When they broke apart, Peter stayed close and whispered very softly, "I love you too, Wade."

Wade pulled back slightly, the corner of his mouth turning up in a small smile at Peter. 

"Wade, will you help me try to deal with all this?"

"You know I'm more than willing to sweet pea."

Peter smiled and asked, "Are you sure it's ok I stay here?"

Wade ran a hand through Peter's hair, "You can stay as long as you want to. I'll take the couch, you can have the bed-"

"Actually... I was hoping we could share the bed?"

Wade smiled but gestured down to Peter's arm. "Only if you stop doing that." He said.

Peter smiled back, "If I'm with you, I have no reason to feel pain."


End file.
